Finding Human Connection in the Age of AI
It’s no secret that people are lonely. Even if the 2023 US surgeon general hadn’t released an 82-page advisory on the impacts of what he called Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, I imagine many of us would feel intuitively that we are just not as connected as we used to be. Much has been said about the cause of our increased social isolation. People point fingers at social media, polarization, and fewer community spaces, to name a few. That’s all well and good, but what can we actually do in our own lives to feel more connected?
As both a therapist and a person who exists in the world, I’ve heard over and over the pains and fears of social isolation. Both clients and friends sometimes just want to vent, and that’s cool, but often they are also looking for some guidance. With so many forces in the world making genuine human connection harder, and with the increasing presence of AI, how do we free ourselves from loneliness? So much gets in the way of us finding the connection we desperately seek, but there are ways we can work around all that.
Why are Adult Friendships So Hard to Find?
Most kids go to school and interact with the same group of same-aged peers five days a week. We walk into the same building, complete the same tasks, see the same teachers, and generally have similar school experiences day-to-day. Attending school has a person face-to-face with people we have a lot in common with on a consistent and predictable basis. That’s not to say that the K-12 education system is perfect and that children in school have no social issues; far from it. However, it does provide the context in which friendships are more likely to form: consistency, predictability, repetition, and shared experiences.
As adults, there are fewer spaces where this is the case. Outside of work, most of us do not have places where we see the same people consistently with whom we share similar experiences or goals. Since work is frequently the only location that fits these requirements, people without jobs and people who work from home (who might not consistently interact with others in their workplace and do not see colleagues face-to-face) are particularly vulnerable to loneliness. Third spaces can provide a solution to this problem.
Third Spaces
Third spaces are places between work and home where people gather and cultivate community. These can include libraries, cafes, bars, recreation centers, places of worship, and parks, among others. Some of these cost money, some do not. Regardless, they provide opportunities for people to meet and interact. Some communities have more third spaces than others, and ease of access varies as well. There has been a documented decline in the number of third spaces over the years, which is an important component of our loneliness epidemic.
In Champaign-Urbana, we are lucky enough to have a plethora of possible third spaces, as well as a robust public transportation system (taking the same bus every day with the same people is a third space in and of itself, now that I think of it). Our libraries and park districts are well-resourced and regularly host programs for community members of all ages. The University of Illinois and Parkland College both provide students with the opportunity to join clubs, and both include cultural and sporting events open to community members. Additionally, because of the university population, Champaign-Urbana has so many coffee shops, bookstores, bars, and other businesses catering to people wanting to meet other people. Being an area with community members from all over the world means that Champaign-Urbana has places of worship for a wide variety of religions and denominations, and we have plenty of non-profit organizations focusing on a variety of causes, so there are many ways to get involved with causes you care about. We are not lacking for third spaces here, which is a huge help to anyone wanting to build more social connections.
Where to Find In-Person Social Connections
This might be scary for some of you to read, but you probably will not be able to build meaningful new social connections from your home. Loneliness is not going to be solved by continued isolation, so this is where third places come in. Consistently going to the same place or reoccurring event gives you the chance to be in physical space with other people. The more you do it, the more familiar you become with other regulars, the more familiar other regulars become with you, and the higher the likelihood you will engage in positive social interactions. This could look like going to your library’s regular book club, volunteering once a week with an organization you care about, or visiting a coffee shop or bar at the same time(s) on a weekly basis.
Another way people make new social connections is by what I call “snowball friends.” If you already have friends in your area, there is a good chance you might get along with the people they know. Hosting social gatherings or meetups and inviting your friends to bring along their friends is one way to expand your social circle. Do this consistently enough and you might just create a larger friend group as more people get invited.
The internet, social media, and AI can be helpful tools in finding gatherings and clubs. While I consider myself a bit of a luddite when it comes to social media and AI, even I have found ways to use them to my social advantage. Searching on Google for events in my area is super easy, and Google Gemini presents me with a list of upcoming events through a variety of local organizations. Social media often seems to isolate people further, but it also is a great place to coordinate groups that meet up in real life. For example, there are several Facebook groups that exist for the purpose of arranging local meetups (CU Girls Who Walk, to name one). Additionally, websites like Smile Politely and ChambanaMoms are great places to get more information about community events and groups. Staying online alone is not enough, and AI Chatbots cannot truly provide social connection and belonging, but using the internet as a tool to facilitate safe social meetups is great for making new friendships.
Managing Anxiety
Jumping into social situations without knowing anyone else can be awkward and scary. However, social skills are like a muscle; the more you use them, the stronger they become. Avoiding social interactions because they are intimidating or have the potential to be uncomfortable is not going to help you build social skills and confidence. Learning to manage the discomfort that comes in social situations is vital to making new connections.
For folks who struggle with severe social anxiety or need help learning to navigate social situations, I recommend seeking professional help. Here at Bodhi Counseling, we work with people managing all sorts of struggles, including anxiety, being neurodiverse in a neurotypical world, and navigating complex relationships. If you are interested, feel free to request a free consultation.
At Bodhi, our therapists help adults in Champaign-Urbana work through loneliness, social anxiety, life transitions, and the challenges of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world. We’re trauma-informed, neurodivergent-affirming, and LGBTQIA+-affirming. We offer in-person sessions at our Champaign office and telehealth anywhere in Illinois, so you can start from wherever you are.
You don’t have to wait until you feel ready. Take one small step this week: try a new third space, text an old friend, or reach out to us.
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