Who Are You? An Existentialist’s Take on Identity

“Where do you see yourself in five years?” I’m sure we’ve all heard a question like this before, probably in the context of an interview or a random classroom survey. But let’s take a second to reflect: when’s the last time you were asked, “Who are you?” You’ve likely been prompted to give a brief introduction of yourself when starting a new job, at the beginning of the school year, or as a classic icebreaker for a group activity with strangers. But who are you really? One thing that I’ve observed is that people often define themselves by what they do rather than the inherent qualities they have. They may tell you, “Oh, I’m a pharmacist!”, “I’m currently studying engineering”, or “I like reading”. While these sentences can certainly be informative in telling me who you are, do they truly capture the essence and totality of “identity”? Let’s talk about what that word even means, how it applies in our current culture, and how it’s a powerful tool for nurturing what we’d call the “self”

For the sake of time, I’ll (begrudgingly) resist giving a long-winded explanation of what existentialist means and how it applies to this context. Basically, when I say I’m taking an “existentialist” perspective, I’m indicating that I really want to focus on the underlying meaning of the concepts I’ll be discussing. I don’t just mean “meaning” in terms of their definitions, but insofar as how these definitions map our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Merriam-Webster defines identity as “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual.” Aligned with my previous observation, this definition gives no explicit indication that identity is related to what a person does. Rather, it is mainly concerned with who or what a person is. Of course, we can’t necessarily talk about personality traits if there aren’t associated behaviors. For example, if I were to characterize a friend as “funny”, I’d likely cite a memory of them telling a joke and making me laugh. But surely telling one joke and making someone laugh once doesn’t automatically make someone a comedian, right? Of course not. When we refer to someone’s identity, what we’re really concerned with are patterns of behavior and self-experience. If I help someone uncover a past trauma, in that moment, I’m just “someone helping someone else uncover a past trauma.” However, if I help people uncover their past traumas regularly, assisting them in building effective coping strategies, healthy relationships, and strong boundaries, I’m more than just “a helpful someone” – I’m a therapist. 

So, now that we’ve got a pretty solid understanding of what identity essentially means, how exactly does this apply to culture? Well, I’d argue that if identity concerns the behavioral patterns of individuals, then culture would concern the behavioral patterns of communities and societies. We expect that an individual’s identity is shaped in part due to the cultures in which they participate. Furthermore, we also often see that a person’s identity is a direct reflection of that respective culture. But what happens when individual identity and culture clash? To reframe the question more directly: what happens when the systems that an individual participates in actively disenfranchise and harm them by design? Should a person of color attempt to fit in within racist spaces? Should queer people make themselves less visible to not disrupt the “norm”? Are neurodivergent people, by default, expected to mask their authentic self-presentation for the sake of “functional” social interaction? Let’s not lie to ourselves: the answer to all these questions is a historical, emphatic, and cruel yes. On paper, American culture is about things like freedom, individuality, and opportunity. But in practice, one of the key minerals in America’s bedrock is conformity. Of course, fitting in and being relatable are incredibly fulfilling and prosocial experiences that I’d never actively discourage. But there must be some balance between connecting to others through mutuality and preserving individual identity. Unfortunately, I think our society often discourages unique ways of thinking or presenting and in fact rewards familiarity and “inoffensiveness”. 

What’s the solution? Well, one suggestion I have that would be a great start is engaging in mindful self-reflection. When’s the last time you asked yourself, “Who am I?” Have you ever even done so before? I encourage you to try it out and sit with whatever comes up, however uncomfortable. A society that disincentivizes individuality logically discourages introspection. If you pay too much attention to yourself, you may accidentally discover how different (and special) you are. I think that, in times of uncertainty and turbulence, one of the most powerful tools you can have is a strong sense of who you are – of identity. Knowing who you are, what you believe in, and what you want to accomplish can give you the foundation you need to build a life that truly feels like its yours. We’re often expected to do what we’re told to do or what we’re “supposed” to do. So, I say we exceed expectations and do what we want to do. I believe that the pinnacle of self-fulfillment is discovering yourself in a world that doesn’t want to get to know you. Check in with yourself and how you’ve been feeling: your frustrations, your dreams, the goals you’ve reached, the goals you haven’t. Let yourself experience those weird, uncomfortable, maybe unfamiliar thoughts and reflections.

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We at Bodhi are committed to providing a safe space for you to explore some of the more challenging aspects of your identity. So, don’t be afraid to continue your journey and see what’s in store on the path ahead. You may just surprise yourself with who you discover yourself to be, and ultimately, the person that you’ll become.

Where do you see yourself in five years?