Pride month is an important time of the year for many members of the LGBTQIA+
community. It’s an opportunity to celebrate who we are, who we’ve become, and who we aspire
to be. For varying reasons, there are many queer folks who are not publicly open about their
sexuality or gender identity – and that’s completely valid. In this post I’d like to discuss some of
the concerns surrounding coming out. Specifically, the two things I’d like to explore are choice
and safety.
First, and most important, you are never obligated to inform anyone else of your sexuality
or gender identity. You are allowed to withhold those personal attributes from parents, family, or
friends. Coming to terms with and accepting who you are is a journey, and who walks with you
on that journey is your choice. You may choose to not tell someone because of a lack of trust.
However, it could also be the case that you trust someone, but aren’t in the best headspace to
have that conversation with them. Waiting to tell someone until you’re certain you’re ready is
important for assuring your thoughts and feelings are sorted, and will hopefully facilitate a
healthy conversation.
Second, coming out could potentially compromise your physical or emotional safety.
Unfortunately, many queer folks are living with or have family members who are not supportive
of those who do not conform to heterosexual and cisgender norms. Be mindful of who you come
out to and what their potential response could be. Ultimately, who you decide to tell will always
be your decision. If you decide to share your sexuality or gender identity with someone who you
think could respond negatively, I recommend having safety plans in place to manage your
emotions going forward and make alternative living arrangements. Some safety plans can
include creating physical distance between yourself and the other person, shutting down the
conversation if it becomes too emotionally taxing or abusive, making use of relaxation
techniques (e.g., 4-7-8 deep breathing), and identifying reliable members of your support system
to reach out to. A key thing to note is that someone else’s negative response to you coming out
does not in any way invalidate your identity. The unfortunate reality is that some people, even
people you love, may not initially respond positively to your coming out. Depending on their
response, you can make the decision to educate them further on your experience, be patient and
give them time to process this new information, or withdraw from the relationship. What’s most
important to keep in mind, as I’ve said before, is that it is always your decision on how to
proceed in this situation. There is no right or wrong way to come out to someone or process their
response. Some ways of going about it may be helpful for you and some could be less helpful or
even harmful. Ideally, you’ll make the choices that promote your own wellness.
Coming out can be a difficult, confusing, and even scary process. It can also be extremely
wonderful and fulfilling. If you decide that you don’t want to come out to someone or anyone
yet, celebrating your queerness privately is still a perfectly valid option! I know one way I’ll be
celebrating my own queerness is by rewatching Heartstopper on Netflix in anticipation of its
second season. Taking pride in and celebrating your identity is more than just flags, symbols,
parades, and parties. It is lovingly acknowledging the wholeness of who you are and shifting
away from the cultural norms embedded within our society that perpetuate harmful and
invalidating ideas about our identities. That’s something that not only benefits queer folks – it
benefits everyone!
If you’d like assistance navigating your journey of queerness or are having difficulties
navigating your identity in the context of heteronormativity and cis-normativity, please reach out
to schedule a free consultation so that you can be better equipped for your lifelong journey of wellness.