Grief During the Holidays: A Reminder of Kindness

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The weight of grief is often not easy to bear. It can feel like a perpetual sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach – a subconscious denial of how heavy your loss is. It can be the constant urge to cry, going through a box of tissues daily from the volume of tears. Grief takes on many forms, and virtually none of them are pleasant. You may have heard the sentiment that “healing isn’t linear”, and that going through the stages of grief will often look more out of order than you’d expect. For example, you may find yourself shifting from depression (the 4^th stage) to anger (the 2^nd stage). An important component in grief discourse is figuring out how we’re actually “supposed” to deal with it, and I think this conversation becomes all the more relevant during the holiday season.

The holidays are a time of liveliness, cheer, merriment, fun, and, of course, family. Yearly traditions are not only commonplace but expected to be attended. Perhaps it’s going to Grandma’s to have some of her amazing Thanksgiving turkey, or maybe it’s visiting your parents for a few days and opening Christmas presents under a well-adorned tree. So, how are you supposed to feel about your usual Thanksgiving tradition when Grandma isn’t around anymore? Do you still do it to carry on the tradition, or is the memory of losing her far too painful for you to properly participate? Ironically, people often feel like once they’ve buried their loved ones, they have to bury their feelings about them as well. You may feel like you’d be ruining the mood for everyone else if you tried bringing up your grief, or maybe you don’t think that anyone around you could properly understand how hard you’ve been taking it. You become stuck between wanting to talk to someone about how much you miss them and feeling terrified of the possible consequences of vulnerability. How are you supposed to navigate this?

My answer is what I’d consider the most powerful two-word term in the English language: free will. This is your grief, and you’re allowed to do with it whatever you think works best for you. Maybe going over your grandparent’s house this year would be too challenging for you, and as much as that may offend or disappoint your folks, it isn’t about them. Conversations around dealing with grief can be very tricky and delicate. One of the difficult truths to accept is that some people may judge or shame you for the way that you grieve. How much of your grief you elect to directly communicate with others is dependent on how safe and comfortable you feel being vulnerable with them on the subject. There will likely be some degree of discomfort expressing your feelings regardless of how receptive the other person is. While sharing your grief with others is far from obligatory, it can be a powerful step in the healing process and facilitate healthy boundary setting. Remember: this is your grief. It is completely up to you to determine how much of it you divulge and how much space you need to properly navigate it. You’re allowed to have feelings, and you’re allowed to decline participating in any activity you believe would make processing those feelings more challenging. Anyone – and I mean anyone – who pressures you to engage in an event or activity you expressly aren’t comfortable with is being neglectful of your autonomy. They’re allowed to have their own feelings of confusion or disappointment, but those feelings do not give anyone license to be disrespectful of your feelings. 

Finally, how exactly do you decide if your grief is legitimately debilitating or if you’re just “being a baby” about it? Yeah, you might be sad that Uncle Connor died, but Aunt Josie would be heartbroken if you didn’t come to the family Thanksgiving she hosts every year. Think about how much she must be grieving and think about how selfish you’d be if you prioritized your grief over hers. If you find yourself in a dilemma identical to this one, here’s what I want you to do: the first step is to do a comfort, whether that be deep breathing, meditation, watching your favorite TV show, or going over a friend’s house. Making uncomfortable decisions is hard enough, so you’d want to feel as safe and empowered as possible to tackle that discomfort. Next, I want you to ask yourself, “Can I do this and be uncomfortable?” Maybe you still do want to engage in the event despite how triggering it might be for you – that’s a totally valid option! If you feel comfortable enough to attend, be sure to explore some boundaries and self-care plans you think would be helpful (e.g. excusing yourself if you’re about to cry, not talking about your feelings even if asked, or talking about your grief only when asked). If you don’t feel comfortable attending, gently let yourself sit with any feelings that come up for you, be it shame, guilt, fear, anger, relief, etc. And remember that you’re allowed to grieve in whatever way makes most sense for you because, fundamentally, you have free will. Don’t let anyone ever convince you otherwise.

If you’re actively experiencing grief that feels difficult to talk to your loved ones about, you’re welcome to reach out for a free consultation with one of our talented and caring clinicians. The healing journey of grief is often an arduous one, but with the proper support, it does not have to be a lonely one.

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