Have you ever been told, “Just think positively!”? This is what I like to call a “key-in-
locked-chest” problem: You have a locked chest that contains the key to the lock itself. You want to access the contents inside of the chest, but the means with which you would open the chest are inaccessible, being locked inside the chest. Similarly, if you’re experiencing grief, depression, or some other form of profound sadness, the “solution” (in this case, being happy) is impeded by the very problem (difficulty or inability to be happy). When you were told to think positively, you likely felt invalidated – like your feelings in that moment didn’t matter. It’s not like it’s an inherently malicious sentiment, but it is often insufficient in both providing comfort and providing guidance towards actionable next steps. Let’s talk more about the “toxic” side of positivity, healthy ways of being sad, and more useful ideas of embodying positivity.
Positivity, generally speaking, is the approach of focusing more on the positives of a
situation. An effective synonym we could use is “optimism”. For example, in a given scenario of three good things and three bad things, an individual attempting to think positively would focus more on the three good things. Conversely, an individual embodying negativity would focus more on the bad things. So, what exactly makes toxic positivity “toxic”? When it comes to processing our experiences and emotions, it’s important that we hold space for everything that comes up. Emotions are ultimately just bits of information; they’re the body’s way of indicating how we should think and consequently act in a given situation. Toxic positivity, rather than just emphasizing the positives, neglects and often negates the negatives of a situation. It is essentially
an attitude of trivializing the negative emotions that someone experiences because it would ostensibly be better to simply ignore them.
There are several problems with the toxic positivity mindset. Firstly, it is often not
terribly easy to simply shift one’s mood to a more positive one. Just because someone is
experiencing a negative emotion in response to an event doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t have that emotion. Negative emotional responses to negative events are appropriate and healthy. To be clear: this isn’t to encourage drowning in negative emotions. In other words, it is just as healthy to be able to let go of negative feelings when they become overwhelming or impede on functioning. But letting go isn’t immediate – it requires patience, self-compassion, and understanding to facilitate. Secondly, people often tell someone to “think positively” in a situation where they themselves are discomforted by the individual’s negative emotion. Pointing this out doesn’t deny the possibility of good intentions, but it considers that part of the
motivation for saying that to someone could be to alleviate one’s own discomfort with negative emotions. Thirdly, and most importantly, it subtly but effectively stigmatizes the processing and expression of negative emotions. Toxic positivity phrases are almost exclusively used in a context where someone is expressing a negative emotion to another person. By telling someone that they should simply think positive emotions instead, you could possibly be discouraging them from bringing up negative emotions in the future. As a disclaimer, all these consequences are possibilities I encourage you to be mindful of rather than guaranteed results.
Given all the potential downsides of toxic positivity, what are some more helpful
alternatives? One suggestion is to simply be affirming, whether it be in comfort of another or of yourself. You could say, “It’s totally valid that you feel that way” or “I’m here for you if I can help you feel better”. This is a healthy way of letting someone express themselves while not denying the negative feelings they’re experiencing. For yourself, you can say to yourself, “I am allowed to feel this way.” Another approach is to be affirming while directly validating the negative emotion. If someone is feeling self-conscious about themselves, you could say “I understand that you feel that way, but I personally think you deserve to be kinder to yourself.” You aren’t necessarily invalidating how they feel, but you are offering an alternative perspective
without pressure or judgment. Additionally, notice how I didn’t say, “you should be kinder to yourself”. Maybe I’ll do a future blog post about dismantling “should” propaganda!
The final alternative to toxic positivity I suggest is to practice mindfulness. Broadly
speaking, mindfulness in this context is being more attuned to the nuances and details of your emotions, again, without pressure or judgment. The “without pressure or judgment” part is key here: letting yourself experience the totality of your emotions without any additional self-criticisms or alterations is integral for healthy emotional processing. Take a deep breath, identify the negative emotion, let yourself sit with it for as long as you feel is needed, and gently let it go. If you initially find any part of this process challenging, that’s okay! It takes a lot of consistent practice, but it can be an incredibly powerful way of overcoming difficult feelings. Toxic positivity, while likely well-intentioned, doesn’t offer validation, acknowledgment, or meaningful solutions. Being supportive, providing affirmation with validation, and practicing mindfulness are all healthy ways of consistently navigating negative emotions. If you find yourself struggling with anger or sadness that’s difficult to deal with alone, you’re welcome to
book a free consultation with one of our clinicians to develop the skillset you need to cultivate a healthy emotional headspace.
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